Little Wing

What I am listening to



Yes, the whole album, actually.. Just listen to it. You will not regret it. This is some of Eric Claptons greatest works, I believe.

Forgiveness. That's always been tricky to me.

I often carry a load full of things I need to forgive on my back. Most of them are addressed to myself.

Today I woke up jovial. Even with two strange dreams, and Nick having a dream he awoke angry with me for, we soon giggled it off and went about our morning.

After some coffee and rubbing the sleep from our eyes, we got on the subject of Eric Clapton. We watched a few You Tube clips of him performing, and biographies of his life have been watched before by the both of us, and we began to talk about how he would be a wonderful person to just have coffee with, and talk life.

How often do you wonder that about someone? Upon meeting someone, I wonder what that person is like when they are just relaxing with a friend. I believe, that's when we are at our best version of ourselves. When you are comfortable just being.

So many people have two sides.

What they allow others to see, a front, that keeps a shiny image woven into the public collective thought.

And, then who they are when there is no conversation.

I know that I love relaxing with Nick. He and I can talk for hours about good music, good art, and silly conversation. We laugh loud, and go mega nerd on each other with quantum physics questions. We sit in silence sometimes, just listening to music. But there is nothing lost without conversation. We are still very much together in the room. I can feel when he is having ideas, and I can feel his rhythm in his movements and the way he paces in his mind while playing. He calms me from my restlessness. He allows me the time I need to relax. I am able to be quiet and still and not have to fill up empty spaces. I like us.

While relaxing today, and having long winding conversations while sipping coffee and enjoying our Sunday, I thought about what I had been holding on to emotionally, and old baggage that comes up from time to time when you least expect it. That stuff you hadn't let go of for a while, but then you realized it wasn't all that important to be hauling around with you.

With out going into two very long and drawn out stories, I can say I have forgiven today. Twice.

Life this good, and feeling that I can weather any storm because I have guidance and protection from the Lord is where I am drawing strength. And I feel the footholds of new adventures, and I need to pack light :)

Forgiveness is good for the soul. It helps you to remember that maintenance (tuning into God) and time (God's timing) heal any hurts, no matter how old.

That gets me on the subject of being close to God. Lately I have been battling harder against my SPD. It's getting easier. I am able to calm my self down more by praying while in a situation that might seem unfavorable by my mind.

I read a daily devotional every morning called "Jesus Calling". It talks a lot about staying close to Jesus and he will shower you with peace. I firmly believe in this. It's getting me through times I would have normally had to excuse myself from or would have had a full on panic attack. Life is good with God near to me.

Within this peace, I have felt as though my self doubt is withering away. I feel as though I need to remind myself that even though some things ended (NOT failed.) I need to pick up my now lighter pack and move on. More than in my career. More than in my past relationships. More than grief. Just everything I do not need to tote around anymore.

Here is to a new and improved year. To another year spent huddled under God's protection, and giving thanks for blessings yet to come.

Life is good today.

The importance of "Staying Small"

 What is inspiring me today: "Stay Small" by The Receiving End of Sirens

 Bob Marley's Birthday!
 

for the kiddies..
and for the big people ...




Staying small is important still, right? I honestly am finding it hard to believe that it is.

 Because it is very hard to believe "small is beautiful" about anything anymore. From the way we dress and entertain our toddlers to the way we envision success in life, it seems bigger is better.

That is the final word, now a days it seems.

We must be convenient to everyone at all times to stay 100% perfect. Then we will get, have, do, feel the best we ever felt, etc.. etc.. we must climb the ladder to reach our goals and kiss whoever's ass it takes to get it done, etc. blahbiddy blah blah blahhhhhh h h .

Why do we do this? Why do we mooch ass to get where we think perfect is? Or what others think the correct thing is to do.

I am not saying living in wreckless abandon of all moral things, at all moral times, is the way to go, either.. let me make that clear.

But why do we compare ourselves to things, or other people's anything's?

Do we forget that those people are doing it too? And it's usually hidden in the admireds (is that a word, I don't know.) greatest strength. Where the other devotes it's attention to. Our Idealistic/"Idolistic" drive to PLEASE.

Pleasing begins in infancy.
It is a learned thing.
But through our ages we begin to admire those who can do the things we have trouble trying to do upon request to be pleased.

I admire people who can give a quick answer. I cannot give a quick answer. If I do it alliterates like this: A jumbled mass of abandoned word ships that lay crashing, burning and sinking because you can't stop thinking of things to say. And then people are confused as to what you meant and it usually ends badly for me lol.. I'm a mess trying to talk to others without having a long, LOnnnnnnnnG. Time to think about what the hell it is I am trying to say. I attribute this to the cussing in my sentences, as it is a filler for my mind to CATCH. UP. WITH MY MOUTH. My brain is literally cussing. me. OUT.

When I get mad, I am the person who says all the meanest nastiest things to say to you and then says them 20 minutes later still in my head because, dammit I WASN'T DONE yelling but you walked away anyway. lol. I have to get the last word, and it is rarely, "I understand" because it has spiraled into this chaos. And a misunderstanding of the magnitudes begins because I am still not done thinking about it and i end up feeling guilty and small... In a bad way. But..  I am big enough to know when to apologize and let it go. After I think about it long enough. And finally put the puzzle together of exactly what I was trying to say.

I feel defeated a lot of the time because I know I have failed at the expectations of others upon me. ALOT of the times I tried, I have failed. But I really wish there was not an expectation. Only because, sometimes (A LOT of the time) SHIT HAPPENS to us that is UNEXPECTED. And we cope. My brain tells my body that I have to reset like a clock, almost. Because my power surged. Lol..

But it's usually because I am feeling so misunderstood. And I take blame because I know I didn't express it right.

As a child, my sunken word ships came out as hyperactive excitement. I had all these things to say! I am going to say them all at once as fast as I can so I can speak them out of my brain... That was wrong. I wasn't big enough to control all of those thoughts/words yet. I was not withdrawn as a child. I was not shy. But when I was a child playing alone or without an audience, I suppose, I was very inward. I thought a lot. I loved being in private. I liked being alone. I could be as childish, as silly, and as anything as I wanted to be, because no one was there to tell me I was doing something wrong. Not that my parents ragged on me about it, because they didn't, but I felt as though others in my peer group thought I was "mean", or hard to understand, sometimes uncaring of what others were going through. I was never really a loner, per se, as I was talkative and had no problem saying, well, anything. I was probably the first girl on the playground to throw a punch, too. I was awfully brazen and had (still have) a bad temper.. I know I was the first girl in my Jr High class to go into the Boys locker room while they were getting ready for baseball with a bat to scare a boy who hit my best friend, Erin, in the head with a rock. I am pretty sure I was the only one to do that, actually. He never hurt her again. Or messed with me! Lol...

I was never afraid of anything. I was not afraid of who I was or who I was becoming. I knew that I was very aware of right from wrong. And if people think I am crazy, then screw them. It's my prerogative. (You sang that, after you read it. I know you did. Don't lie.)

If you are too young to understand that last part, here is a gem

(No, Britney didn't write that song.) :

 


But then there came a time when it mattered for some reason to me, to just shut up more and talk a lot less. I think I had been made to feel as though I was stupid or there was something "wrong" with me. There were limitations given right in front of me as a 14 year old that I 'probably wouldn't be able to pass a college math class, so don't expect her to ever do that'. And I sank into my soul and mourned the fact that I probably wouldn't go to any large school, because I would be required to pass Math and I wasn't SMART enough.

I made it through Art School with an associates in Commercial Design, but was average. I never felt good enough there, either.

Do you see how this is snowballing...

I became a mother and I doubted every single thing about my ability to be someones caregiver because I was not SMART about things. I didn't have it all together, like everyone else. I sunk into a mourning that I was even failing at this because I was not a good enough at handling a marriage, second shift job and a baby and I began to sink into total depression.

When I got back on my feet again, I had a business to show for it. I devoted every waking minute with baby in tow to being a photographer. But still failing at handling a marriage, devoting time and attention to a family,  and trying to please everyone.

This stops here, but many terrible and tragic things happened between there that were so heavy I cannot even begin to visit there anymore and so I have said my I'm sorries and goodbyes and brought friends new and some old into this new era of my life.

I often tried to be a bit bigger than my britches were, I suppose. My imaginative day dreams were spiraling out of control because I had some ridiculous need to be the best at something I was not. At all.

I am enjoying living small, now.

I enjoy not having to be the best at everything, having the best of anything, or all those fictional things. I only am, what I am. And if that's appalling to just be, then I fear for all of us as a collective.

Why are we teaching our children that the only way to be successful is to be the best at everything? What tremendous pressure. That widens a HUGE gap between small and happy and big and craaaaaaaazy.

The importance of staying small allows you to develop potential with in ones self to learn to rely on GOD. The only and everything, the all and the nothing, the within and without, the I am and the I am not.
He is the balance in my life. And that is the only answer in my own life for me to live up to is paying back a debt that was paid for me and allowing others to see a God sparkle, a real one, in me. I am so so small compared to God. But he still knows what I need before I know. So why wouldn't I leave this all up to him and be quiet, and still, just as he speaks to me? He already knows what I mean, without having to explain myself.

I am letting go of the feeling less than, and I am embracing living small.

Besides, it's always the simplest things that bear the fruit of joy. Small goals get achieved. And love and happiness within myself is being cultivated now because of this change.

I am joyful to have embraced the storm today. My inner dialog today helped me remember to keep God at the forefront today and I didn't have a panic attack when I thought I might have one this morning. I know that seems like a weird thing, but it's a big thing for me lately.

I am thankful I love my balanced self enough to allow God to help me through anything, so I know I am living it right, and how He wants me to live. And that others opinions on my life are none of my business, as mine on their life is not mine to give either. Just be.